Forgiveness, for the Forgiver

Does forgiveness beget forgiveness? Do we forgive to be forgiven? Just asking.

Perhaps, forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the forgiven. Just saying. Forgiveness can be a one-way street. We forgive, give up being right, let go of the past without expectations of forgiveness in return. We forgive. That’s all.

In the Book of Matthew, Jesus said:

But I say to you, do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

I’m not as enlightened. Some dude tries to slap my face, I’ll take the glancing blow, then take him down with iriminage (Aikido technique). It’s one time. Not turning the other cheek. My Aikido training. Wait it out. Enter the attack, and die with honor. In the moment of the attack, I can win or I can lose. What happens, happens.

Still, I get the value in “turn the other cheek”. Nothing good ever comes of violence. Do not aggress aggression. In the bigger picture, a reprisal is unnecessary, unless you’re protecting your own well-being or those you love. Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye ends up making the whole world blind.” Amen. The road of forgiveness is the Way, although tenuous to follow. Again, just saying.

When I was about 17 years old, Dad yelled at me for something. I don’t recall what for. I got up into his face. Dad caught me with a straight right punch to the side of my head. I dropped to the floor. WTF? Dad learned to box in the Army. Still, WTF?

Maybe, I deserved that for invading his space? No. Regardless, I didn’t forgive Dad for that. That was wrong. He was wrong. I was right.

About 30 years later, I sat on a boat on the Kenai River with Dad fishing for king salmon, what he loved most to do on Planet Earth. The years had caught up with Dad, who was in his 80’s: his body was failing, bad back and knees. Over the years, Dad had worked so very hard providing for the family and me. I went to college prep school, university, and graduate school. I reinvented my relationship with Dad on those annual fishing trips, the possibility of my transformational training work.

I was a satellite systems engineer and an Aikido Sensei. Dad was the weakened old man, who loved fishing. No longer the angry man who terrorized me as a child. Now, I was my Dad’s protector. Something that he was never for me. I got the paradox. I was cool with that, too.

At the time, I worked with my chiropractor Victor, who was my spiritual advisor and teacher. Victor aligned my body so I could train in Aikido. He also aligned my soul. We had meaningful conversations about life over the years. Really, Victor got me to lighten the fuck up. Chill out. He was the first to advise me to forgive my Dad.

Before one of my annual Alaska fishing trips, Victor said that I should write a letter to my Dad to thank him for being my Father. Whoa, I had to give up being right about Dad being so wrong?

So I wrote my letter thanking Dad for working hard and sending me to school. I became a successful engineer and a 3rd-degree black belt Aikido Sensei. I thanked him for helping me become the man I was.

I arrived at the Alaska fishing lodge the day after Dad flew in from Honolulu. I said, “Dad, I’ve got something for you.” I handed him my letter. He read my letter. Afterward, he didn’t say a word. Although, I believe he kept that letter until the day he died.

Forgiveness can be a one-way street. I forgave Dad more for me than for him. I was free. Dad was constantly angry at me when I was a boy. I got that his Dad had abused him far worse. My Dad’s anger masked his deep fear of not knowing how to raise me. I had compassion for what it was like to be my Dad. Amen.

No, Dad wasn’t perfect. I didn’t forgive him for making me feel lesser than or for his cruelty when I was little. I forgave him for being human, for making mistakes, for being afraid. I forgave myself for being imperfectly human, too.

Maybe, not everyone deserves our forgiveness. That being said, forgive them anyway. Forgiveness is for the forgiver and the forgiven. Forgiveness gives back the life taken away, restoring the freedom to just be. Just saying.

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